Mr. Kipper |
English 8-2
26 August, 1998

Ah, yes. The last Tuesday of September 1992 came upon us like a freight train full of rabid water buffaloes. Picture if you will a squattish red school building with a white tin roof, and outside it picture about 100 boys and girls decked out in plaid jumpers and navy blue slacks (not necessarily in that order). That crowd includes a little girl with blondish hair done up in a French braid, lugging around a mini-locker posing as a backpack. She is starting second grade this year, you see, and the sureness abounds in her mind on this point: that it will be at least as good as first grade was.

This little girl met her second grade teacher last week, for the section of Universal City Christian Academy’s beginning of school traditions which states that each student meets their teacher for the year before school starts is still very much imposing itself upon them. Of course, this year an exceptionally large group of second graders has enrolled, so they’re having to split it into TWO CLASSES of 16-- imagine! Two classes for one grade!

Anyway, this little girl will be taught by Mrs. Corbrey, a plumpish woman with shoulder-length blonde hair. At this point let us return to 1998, where the little girl can’t remember what she thought of Mrs. Corbrey when she met her, but she’s sure it was a good impression. Yes, quite certain of that she is.

Now let’s go back to 1992, the age of orange nail polish and oversized T-shirts. And don’t forget the crimped hair.

Anyway.

Finally the administration opens the doors and the kids pour inside-- they’re a group ranging from first grade to sixth grade. The preschoolers and kindergartners meet elsewhere, in the Faith building-- or was it Hope? Well, wherever the zarking photon they are, it’s not the main building.

This little girl and her insane friends prance merrily upstairs. She finds herself in the same room she was in last year, where she also discovers almost everyone who was in her class last year with just a few people who were in the “other” first grade class sprinkled in.

Let us fast-forward in time to about a month and a half before Christmas vacation. It’s nearing 1993, but we won’t be moving out of the Orange Nail Polish Age until around mid-1994, so let’s just forget about that as best as we can.

The UCCA tradition entails that each class in the school puts on two productions in front of the body twice a year; once before Christmas, once after. Mrs. Corbrey’s class’s determination that their musical will really bring the house down on the competition-- meaning, in this case, the other second grade class-- is becoming shockingly apparent.

The group of happy 2nd graders is learning songs from a Christmas musical called “Mary Had a Little Lamb.” No parts have yet been decided, but they will be soon. As a music teacher, Mrs. Corbrey excels, and the whole class is growing steadily more excited about the show.

One day, about a week later, the time for P.E. has come. Yet another UCCA oddity demands that all children dress out for P.E. in their classroom. Each room’s layout includes a wood-cardboardish type partition that pulls across the middle which separates the girls’ side from the boys’ side.

So the girls are dressing out, and our favourite little girl and some of her insane friends are practicing music from the show. They’ve already finished getting dressed, you see, and they want to make good use of their time. Well, it turns out that the little girl’s EXCEPTIONAL timing and near PERFECTION in EVERY WFIELD has chosen to manifest itself-- a fact which does not go unnoticed by the ever-observant Mrs. Corbrey.

Umm, well, anyway, Mrs. Corbrey (or Miss Cobey, as most of the children in the class call her because of their difficulties with the letter “R”) notices how WONDERFUL this little girl is and-- the next part will shock you terrifically, you should make sure you’re sitting down-- offers her the lead role!

The lead role is a spotted lamb named Tiny. Of course the little girl jumps at the chance to dress as livestock. Wouldn’t anyone?

There are two other sheep, and they’re not spotted. One of them is portrayed by the little girl’s insane friend Chinae, and the other is portrayed by the little girl’s insane friend Daniel. There are also three or four camels and one of them is portrayed by the little girl’s insane friend Danny (NOTE: Not the same as the aforementioned insane friend Daniel).

The little girl’s magnificent mother makes most of the costumes for the musical. The girl (henceforth referred to as Tiny the spotted lamb) wears a costume made of fuzzy stuff with black spots. In a vague way, it makes sense, don’t you think? The insane friend Chinae had suggested using some of the fiberglass fuzz she had, but Tiny’s mum declined on the grounds that she didn’t think making costumes out of fiberglass was a very good idea. Tiny’s mum also lent Danny her beige sweater to aide him in his difficult task of essentially becoming a camel.

Now we’ll fast-forward to a bit before Christmas vacation! “Mary Had a Little Lamb,” is a hit, and OF COURSE the biggest hit is Tiny herself! Why, everyone loves Tiny! Tiny’s the best! Tiny’s the coolest! Tiny should be elected president or queen or SOMETHING! Tiny is... Tiny is... heh heh. Nevermind.

First and foremost, Tiny is a Corbreynian. And charming the crowd is what Corbreynians do best.

The next semester, the Corbreynians act out the story of Moses. Tiny (who of course does not play the literal “Tiny” this time around) does not have a main role per se, but she has more parts than anyone else. She’s one of the Egyptian princess’s handmaidens, she introduces the Ten Commandments song and holds up Commandment #1 (Put God First), and she has a good solo in the show’s second half. Add that to about a dozen one-line cameos and you’ve got a Tiny with more stage time than anyone else, except perhaps Moses himself, who is played by the ex-camel, Danny.

For a brief time we’ll zoom out of Corbreynia in itself and view the big picture: the whole school collaborates on one musical each year, and this year they’re dramatising the story of Nehemiah in that triumphant masterpiece of modern literature-- “Oh Me Oh My Oh Nehemiah.”

Tiny plays Friend 1.

Don’t you discount that, either! Friend 1 is WAY important! Friend 1 is Nehemiah’s BEST friend. Friend 2 is just a lowly peon, and don’t let anyone tell you differently. Why, without Friend 1, harm would have been done to Nehemiah by those scheming scoundrels, Sanballat the Horonite and Tobiah the Ammonite official! They planned to throw a fox at the wall. Err, something like that. But you can SEE how incredibly important Friend 1 really was!

In a very unfortunate accident, the person working the music up in the loft started one of the songs too early in one of the show’s crucial moments-- if it hadn’t been for Friend 1’s fast-talking ability, Nehemiah might not have ever found out about Sanballat and Tobiah’s evil plot. However, even in spite of this technical monstrosity, Friend 1 was stunningly good!

Oh yes, and Friend 1’s older sister sang the only solo in the musical’s main number-- quite an accomplishment! But may I remind you that this story is NOT about Friend 1’s sister, it is about Friend 1 herself, so I shall now take it upon myself to say something about Friend 1 rather than Friend 1’s older sister. Friend 1 and HER best friend, Monica, got to do sign language to the song. As far as the stage goes, Tiny/Friend 1 is taking the world by storm. To think she owes it all to her wonderful teacher, Mrs. Corbrey/Miss Cobey!

Now we shall skip a few chapters in the pages of time, which will bring us to 1998. And now we can also stop speaking in this ridiculous third person.

Here’s the zinger at the end!

I was Tiny and Friend 1!

I bet you never could have guessed that in a million years! It was really hard to tell, wasn’t it? Hey, what are you doing with that red pen?

I’ll be.... over there.

Until next time, remember to floss carefully and always wear a helmet.

THE END