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exsecutus
"For the living know that they will die,
One of us needs the other right now. It doesn't matter anymore which one of us it is. I think we're both terrified of despair-I know how it twists-I've been locked in it before. Tifa got me out, that time. She won't be able to do it when it happens again. Nobody will. Maybe the one waiting for me thinks she can, and maybe-just maybe-she can. But I doubt it. In some ways, this is almost like the first time I went to the Forgotten City. I didn't really pay attention to where I put my feet, where I headed south, where I turned to the west, where I climbed-- I just kept going, and it didn't matter that much what my mind was occupied on. I let my body move of its own accord and now, on what I would like to believe is the last leg of my journey, my destination looms ever closer. Destination. Interesting word. It's built off of destiny-I never noticed that before. A cool wind whips through my hair, bringing me as far back to reality as I will let it. Almost unconsciously I adjust the sails and gaze vaguely at the gentle curve of the planet on the horizon. This sailboat couldn't hope to have taken a significant chunk out of my obscenely large gil stash, and it's worth what I paid for it in Junon with no questions asked and no record kept. I can only imagine what the previous owner used it for. I don't get seasick anymore, and this experience might be something almost akin to enjoyable but for obvious reasons. Boats were never my strong point, but I've gotten to handle this one somewhat expertly in a short matter of time. The feeling of isolation is something tangible now… And I like it I glance behind the boat at the foaming wake, churning all its pale green glory into a solemn 'V'. It'll disappear in a few minutes. I could have made it there more quickly in a speedboat, but it would have been so easy to turn around. And somehow I know that I can't let this sick little pilgrimage of mine go in any more than one direction. I can just see one of the larger islands off the coast of the Northern Continent turned to a pearly spectre by the ethereal rising sheen of another moon. Not too much further now. I hope-expect-to dock near Bone Village sometime after the next sunrise. Meanwhile, my body sags under the weight of the black sky. I am as acrid as ever mentally, but I should have known I couldn't push myself like this… Come to think of it, I haven't slept since leaving Midgar. More time passes. I gently nudge the boat onto the slick grey surface of a beach; it belongs to a nondescript island, good for little more than a place to camp. It'll be high tide by morning, so I bring the boat inshore as far as I can before dropping the anchor into fine white sand. The sea wastes its fury, dispelled into little more than a cool spray and a mild swell by the time it reaches me. I am about to begin a search for firewood which would almost certainly be fruitless before I realise the futility of such a measure; I brought no provisions, no tent, not even a change of clothing. One last time, I glance up and down the boat, made ghastly by the intensely raw light of the moon. I stare up at him mechanically, lured by his cold luminance. He is like a magnificent king, enthroned as he is in the heavens, cruelly piercing the miasma rising from the ground with his burning white majesty. My weary eyes squint slightly to bring him out of focus. Holy… I kneel first, then lie down on the fragrant seaside carpet of grass and seaweed. The light mist from the sea kisses my face and seduces me into undeserved rest. I dream. The first thing I notice is green-pale and remote-Aeris's colour, the Planet's colour. Next is the music. I'm not really hearing it-the dreams are always silent-but I feel it surrounding me. It's aweful-I can't-it's too beautiful, too wonderful, her hand, her eyes, too far away… Planet, Aeris, why did you cry for a Planet? If you care for a Planet, why don't you care for a person? Did you love me, Aeris Drunk on the Lifestream. All I see is green-calm sea-water green or pure liquid green-this is not real. It is not- Give me... give me… give me tears to justify my sordid soul, let me redeem myself please, please, let me escape from this rising climax of the Planet, I can't, Aeris, it makes my soul hurt Die, kill me, don't leave me alone DON'T LEAVE ME ALONE Now the green is replaced by white-too sharp for my eyes-can you hear the screams? Listen- Pour my thin soul out, refine it like silver, make me holy, yet I am not Too slow I can't-love you Aeris because- I do love you No I love you You are the heavens, you are the ether Now everything is cast with a blue light from a blue star, from a Water Star, and the light that is not real makes Water Shadows-the colour is gone from her I can almost see through her I can almost see the other side-it's really best not to know. Now-let my spirit fly, take flight on gossamer wings Why did something so beautiful have to die? You don't mean her I shouldn't No Spindles of death winding around her, binding her planet, it's beautiful, and the first one comes from her who went down to the pit It's too late to cry I already cried No Rise and fall, trill, gentle over the smooth curve, take me to where you were That was the life-giver, it was always the life-giver, since Then… It killed you Not the sword, it was the life, fill me with life and I will be with you, cold and heavy and it's like being at the bottom of the ocean, the ocean is made of death You don't mean real water Actually Stop lying The pounding rhythm of life and death is one, fill my head, destroy my ears Your eyes you've kept There will never be an ultimate, it will never end You're wrong, you are the last No LET ME OUT Drink your reality Get drunk on your reality But I love you. I love you. Now… The clarity I don't want to face …Morning. The dream fades-no, has already faded from my mind. I remember Aeris, and I remember green. Other than that… it is as it always has been. Gone, vague-like my memory was wiped clean because I'm never supposed to find out, or at least not until it's time. When will it be time, Aeris? You're the one who fills the universe-I'm just… the one you loved, aren't I? I turn my face to the sky, the glow of daylight matching the one in my eyes. Did you send me this swollen sun to replace the merciless night god, Aeris? Are you really that cruel? I suppose I always knew it, really. I smile. Lazily brushing away the damp blades of grass stuck to my body, I drop my eyes to the boat, floating gracefully with the surge of each wave and brushing the bottom as the water recedes. The time for sleep has passed, and I find that I feel none of the usual early morning blur. Does my mind never sleep Does my soul never…? I wade out into the sea, my boots filling with water and weighing me down. My arms are sorer than they ought to be, considering-it hurts to lift myself into the boat. The Ultima Weapon lies near the stern, and for the first time I notice how obscenely and regardlessly I cast it aside. It's a sacred weapon-forged by the Planet. I am compelled to reach for it. Immediately as I touch it, it begins to glow a dull grey-blue-I should eat something-rest some more… Don't stop, damn you, keep going I just have to rest for a bit more. Damn you to hell! You're almost finished, don't stop To… hell? I'm there, aren't I? Is that what Vincent said? I can't remember anymore. I find myself believing that it doesn't really matter that much. Only a few more hours at best before I pull up on shore somewhere. I think about Aeris as I sail. She smiled, and she laughed, and nothing fazed her… but she always seemed a little sad, somehow. I think that's because she knew she was a disappointment to the Ancients… a failure to her Planet… "I'm sorry, I don't understand." Strange. She really was sorry that day. And she was really trying to understand, and I heard the despair underlying her voice because she couldn't. That was only because she wasn't talking to me; if she had been, I wouldn't have been able to read her at all. You really did want to save the Planet… you didn't plan to give your life for it, though. You hated your weakness… you hated your lack of ability we are the same. just let me love you… please let me love How tragic… yet… it is impossible to pity her. I wonder if it's like that with me. The impact onto shore startles me, as does the intensity of the sun this far north; the shining goddess of the day is akin to him of the night only in the extent of her cruelty, it seems. Fluidly, slowly, I climb out of the boat and shoulder the Ultima Weapon and my pack, which is empty but for the Lunar Harp. I don't even hide the boat anywhere. How stupid of me. Surely I'm planning to return somehow? Surely I am. Hard to tell in the thick woods, but I think I see Bone Village not too far away now. I thank the trees for hiding me from the sun. If I were naked to her eye again, she would show others where I am without hesitation. I don't know why it's so important for that not to happen. Suddenly, light-clearing-sand, bones. I'm here-I stumble in the sunlight, almost losing my balance, gracelessly pounding my open palm into the gravel as I bend almost double and my knees graze the ground. I caught sight of something like Vincent's pure black and white. My first thought… he followed me But, replaying the second-old memory, I see the colours are muted, gentle, the black is a soft, deep brown and the white a fine ivory; I look up and my cold, ice-blue mako eyes meet her rich, warm chestnut ones. "Please don't be mad," she says quietly, chewing her lower lip. "Vincent told me and I… figured you'd come here, so I…" "Tifa," I say in cracked, dry disbelief. I knew the sun would do this to me. "Tifa, please leave. I don't want…" I don't want you here I don't want you to see me I don't want you to love me anymore I don't want anything to… "…to hurt you again…" Her beautiful eyes narrow slightly in an expression of sorrow. I can see she's planned out the words she says next. "Cloud, if this is about you and Aeris, you must see that it's about me too, somehow. I know what you're going through right now and I'm not going to let you face it alone. Don't you remember, Cloud? Back then?" She smiles, a small, fleeting smile, and her features soften. "Let's go see her together." Know what I'm… going through? No, you don't!! I'd die before I let you find out! "Tifa, I have to do this alone! I don't want to drag you into it! Not again… not like this." "But why?" she interjects quickly, taking a convulsive step forward and grabbing my hand. "It's because… I don't feel that… I don't think that what I'm doing is right. Not this time…" "Cloud…" she smiles again, and her eyes shimmer. I imagine that I feel her tears fall on my hand. "Don't you know by now? It doesn't matter. I love you, and I have to stay by your side, no matter what you do or why you do it." "All right," I mumble. "All right. But I won't apologise. For anything." Her smile deepens. I'm still half kneeling, and she helps pull me to my feet. Am I so weak that I can only stand with the help of a woman? She quickly moves around to stand behind me, to follow me. As she walks past me, I hear her whisper in my ear. "Thank you, Cloud." Aeris doesn't want her to come. "Thank you, Tifa. …really… thank you." Why did I say that? I don't mean it. Why am I still lying to Tifa, even now? I hear nothing, but I know she's inclining her head towards me, smiling, probably blushing. She wants to be with me forever. For her sake, I hope… I hope she burns in hell.
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