12 Aug 01
I'm kinda worried about myself. I've just been really down lately... depressed about school starting, bitter and depressed about Soundsations, depressed about AnJa going away to college. I haven't been able to draw anything worth crap for about a week, and I don't even do anything on the computer anymore. I mean, I get online, visit all my daily thingums like boards and stuff, and then do a whole lot of nothing. I tried to start writing some scholarship essays but I couldn't. It seems that when I'm doing nothing else on the computer, I'd be writing more journal entries, but I just... haven't wanted to, or haven't been able to, or whatever. I started one yesterday, but closed it after the first paragraph or so. It's just... bad. I hate being sad all the time. And I feel like everyone is surpassing me, and I'm losing confidence in myself and my abilities. I don't want to be sad anymore. I don't want to feel this way. A little while ago I was sitting on the floor trying to draw and mum was on this computer and AnJa was on hers... I was waiting for mum to finish playing a game so I could use this one, and I'd gotten off AnJa's when she came in from watching TV. And mum asked if I was sad because she was taking so long to finish the game, and AnJa asked if I was sad because I'd made her get off her computer, and I said no, I wasn't sad about that. Then I said I was sad because school was starting and because AnJa is going away and because of Soundsations and neither of them said anything. Did they want me to not tell them? Aren't you supposed to tell people when you're sad about things? Are you supposed to keep it to yourself when the people you'd tell can't do anything about it? I felt like I'd done something wrong after that. Nobody said anything for a long time. And I'm worried. Of course I've been very depressed before... but usually I just feel very sad at night and the next day I'm fine. It hasn't lasted this long in a while. I was extremely depressed all throughout fourth grade... again in seventh, but not quite so severely... and at the beginning of ninth. After that I started taking Prozac and I've been fine ever since, except for now. I'm going to make two journal entries for today... I don't want everyone to see this. I feel like all of my writing is a lie. When I write and try to express my own emotions, I feel like I'm lying, like maybe I'm not really feeling any of that stuff. I feel like I'm just writing a story in first person... I've done plenty of those, and when I write to express their emotions, it's the same, isn't it? I feel like all of my emotions are fake. I feel like I'm only imagining what things feel like and then writing from that. In real life it's fine, but in writing, I just feel like a liar. But I used to have confidence in my ability to write and draw or whatever and I don't anymore. And for a long time I was happy with how I looked and everything and I'm not anymore. It's only been a week like this, but a week... and I was just going to use a different grammatical structure there on purpose to make it more emotionally effective. That's what I mean. It's just like a lie. I hate it. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to feel sad anymore, but I don't know what to do.
But why am I going to post this at all? Why do I want anyone to be able to see it? Is that going to help, making my friends share my pain? Share pain, I hate that. I'm lying again. What I mean is I'm not lying but the way I'm writing, this feels like a lie. I feel like I'm just trying to write something effective and it's not real at all. I'm hating this so much. What is it I want? If someone reads this, they're going to tell me they think I'm a good writer, I'm a good artist, whatever, but it's not going to mean anything because of course they're going to say that if they read something like this. I hate it. I'm crying again. I hate this. My hands seem too weak and heavy. This is all incoherent, like something I would make up out of my head and write to try to disturb someone or whatever, and that's what makes me feel... I don't know. Cheap, or false, or something. If it's what I feel, why can't I write that way? I just feel like I'm only writing that way because I'm trying to... something. Because personally, that sort of thing is what gets through to me the most when I read. But because of that, I don't feel like I can use that for my own private thoughts because... it doesn't make sense, I know. I have lots of things to say in a normal journal entry that aren't depressed or anything, just normal things like talking about what I did in FF8 or going out to eat or weird dreams I had, but I don't feel like I can write about those right now. So I don't think I'll write a "normal" journal entry for today... I'll... if I feel better I'll do one. It comes and goes. I mean, for parts of the day I'm fine, but then I just kind of sink down into it. I don't know what I should do...
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